50 George Carlin Quotes That Will Make You Successful 2024

1. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.” — George Carlin

2. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin

3. “Religion is like a pair of shoes….. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” — George Carlin

4. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.” — George Carlin

5. “Scratch any cynic, and you will find a disappointed idealist.” — George Carlin

6. “I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.” — George Carlin

7. “I went to a bookshop and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” — George Carlin

8. “I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.” — George Carlin

9. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.” — George Carlin

10. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty; I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” — George Carlin

11. “It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.” — George Carlin

12. “Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool.” — George Carlin

13. “I have as much authority as the Pope. I don’t have as many people who believe it.” — George Carlin

14. “People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.” — George Carlin

15. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” — George Carlin

16. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” — George Carlin

17. “But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!” — George Carlin

18. “Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.” — George Carlin

19. “Religion is like a pair of shoes; find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” — George Carlin

20. “Just ’cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” — George Carlin

21. “I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.” — George Carlin

22. “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it as half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.” — George Carlin

23. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well, what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?” — George Carlin

24. “I will tell you one thing – the future ain’t what it used to be.” — George Carlin

25. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin

26. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.” — George Carlin

27. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.” — George Carlin

28. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” — George Carlin

29. “Have you ever noticed that anybody drives slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin

30. “That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” — George Carlin

31. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” — George Carlin

32. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” — George Carlin

33. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ” — George Carlin

34. “If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?”— George Carlin

35. “Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?” — George Carlin

36. “How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?” — George Carlin

37. “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.” — George Carlin

38. “The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.” — George Carlin

39. “Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.” — George Carlin

40. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” — George Carlin

41. “Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.” — George Carlin

42. “When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.” — George Carlin

43. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.” — George Carlin

44. “Everyone smiles in the same language.” — George Carlin

45. “Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ” — George Carlin

46. “It’s never just a game when you’re winning.” — George Carlin

47. “If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole aeroplane made out of that stuff.” — George Carlin

48. “People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well, what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day.” — George Carlin

49. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, but I also wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.” — George Carlin

50. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.” — George Carlin